Saturday, June 26

You know we're indecisive, right?

Ugh. Again, we are putting it off. I know that's disappointing - we're both disapppointed in ourselves for rushing ourselves (we didn't quite move our butts enough in the last year, if we'd really wanted to get there) and had been discussing and kicking ourselves and going back and forth all week on it, up until the other night when we finally decided that right now, it probably is best to stay here another year. We also decided to stick with the June 30 moving-from-here date and found a different apartment in town, and still in the same schools.

Believe me when I tell you, I still want to move so badly, and I just really still have a good feeling that if we moved out there everything would work out and we would be fine. Maybe it's the Bob Marley-isms coursing through my mind all the time :) You know, it's one thing to follow your heart, but it's another to follow your heart and know logically that everything *will* be okay. Does that make sense? I almost want to bang my head, but at the same time I have to believe that we're doing the right thing, the right way, and we have a better finish line for the goal so to speak. Tonight we truly made the most difficult decision of our lives in deciding to stay here again. There is also a chance that our tickets cannot be refunded, and I'll find out Monday; if they cannot, we may try to change the itinerary and take the kids for a visit.

Bottom line - we do still want to, and will, move to the west coast. Portland is at the top of the list, Seattle would be a close second as I have a cousin stationed nearby. This last year, since last June actually, we only wanted to do it and didn't have a fire under either of us to make it feasible. The night we made this decision, I sat down with pen and paper and wrote 'this is the what, how, and when for me' and left space for Poseidon to do the same on that paper. He is looking at going back to school here, which was an option we had in Portland as well; I think maybe we're both more scared than driven and we have to think about how the kids would live and the possibility of having to come back here with our tails tucked between our legs, having failed - you know?

Today I'm going to go to the library and see if I can have my same library reactivated. Earlier this year I asked them to cut me off in mid-June, but I do have about sixty cents in fees to pay (late books a while back) so I may be able to use the same account/card. The rest of this weekend will be spent packing the few things we have, deciding what still needs to be sold, and more cleaning. The kids have now enjoyed a solid week of being allowed to play video games all day - keeping them from being underfoot so we can get the big stuff done. Next week we'll have family and friends swoop in with us to get things moved. We are also taking a week or two to visit some family we don't often see, then I'm off to a job hunt. Luckily I do have three places at the top of my list, and they all are hiring! Cross your fingers for me - I've been a stay-at-home mom for the last 7 years... I love my kids, but I think I am ready to be around grown ups again!


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